A bit of winter introspection

I've always been very introspective. I think it has something to do with my brain that never stops thinking a million miles a minute and the fact that I am very critical of myself. I've always been driven, and sought out things that would aid my personal development, and been quite aware of where I'm at, and what I'm feeling at any given moment. That and I like to write and record. These traits naturally complement 'introspection' or the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes.

There are a few times of year where introspection seems to creep up a bit more overtly than others. Making its way from the back of my ever playing mental tape to the forefront. Commanding solitude and time dedicated simply to reflection, introspection and thought as the main event. September, marked for years as a fresh start, a new school year, new challenges and new beginnings. And December marked by cold and crisp icy mornings, the ability to see your breath as the street crunches beneath your feet and you gather with friends and family to welcome a new year and say goodbye to the past.

So here I am, being introspective and reflecting on the year I’ve had. The year we’ve all had. I’ve heard from friends, from family, from strangers that 2014 was a particularly rough year. An unhealthy and unsupportive work environment saw me change jobs and enter a new field in May, to be followed by a stressful and all time consuming municipal campaign to which I devoted my every waking moment and squeezed every last drop of energy into. Coming off the campaign to an unstable political environment saw me forced to assume a new position in a new part of the province that will test my skills, patience and perseverance. The sudden unexpected death of my great-uncle, my partner’s brother being diagnosed with cancer, addictions issues effecting family members added to the stress of an already heavy and stressful years full of change. Buying a house with my siblings and the help of my late grandfather who left us money to invest, moving in with my brothers and my partner, getting a dog (Mikko), and feeling torn between where I am now and where I want and need to go.

This year has been heavy, and its been hard. But in heavy moments where it feels as though I’ll be crushed by the sheer weight of it I often feel the most strength because (even though I must remind myself) I have yet to be buried alive. Time and time again, I step up with the weight on my shoulders and figure out how to take steps to reducing the weight, and I continue to take steps (sometimes tiny steps) until it feels less heavy and I can see that it’s going to be okay, and that I’ve proven myself again to be perseverant, determined, and that nothing can crush my will for too long.

My little sister, Sierra (18), is currently in France working as an au pair for a family that lives on a ski hill and runs the restaurant. She left last week but is having a tough time dealing with homesickness, missing family, and battling with thoughts that she is not strong enough to tackle the challenge she has chosen for herself. I see a lot of myself in her. She took a chance (as I often do) to thrust herself abruptly into the unknown. Got swept up in the excitement of the change, the challenge, the adventure and barrelled on ahead full speed. Now, in quiet moments, she finds herself wondering “what the hell am I doing?”

I can’t help but remember feeling the same way when I was on the last flight into Tegucigalpa for in 2010. It sunk in as to what I was about to do. Live in a foreign place where I didn’t speak the language, a place I was told was dangerous, and work with an NGO that I knew nothing about and knew no one. I would have to learn a language, find a place to live, develop relationships, make friends, conduct research, and do it completely alone. Surely I must be out of my mind, or have seriously overestimated my own abilities. I felt suspended in freefall. My breath catching in my throat and forming a lump in the bottom of my stomach. But we know how it worked out. I learned Spanish. I found a place to live with a family I grew to love. I made friends, developed relationships, completed research and helped the NGO develop a program to engage youth which I then delivered. I went out on my own and took buses, and ferries, and hoped on the back of mopeds and saw the country. I visited friends in El Salvador and tried my hand at surfing. In fact, 4 years ago today I was on a bus headed to Santa Rosa de Copan to see a new part of the country, welcomed by a new friend and her family.

Some days, it feels as though the “Delaney” who had the guts and the confidence to embark on that type of adventure is a different person. That if tasked with the same thing today I would be unable to deliver. But I know that’s untrue. I know that whatever the obstacle, the challenge, the upset, or the adventure I will approach it the same way. Figuring out what I need to do, what needs to get done, taking it apart, and making sure it happens. By playing to my strengths, by giving myself time and allowing myself to feel weak and sad, but reminding myself of my proven track record of strength, determination and courage.

I know my sister will figure out, in her own way in her own time, how to do just that because I see that in her as well, even if she doesn’t. Learning about ourselves, being honest with ourselves, and pushing ourselves to do better and be better is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. A gift that sometimes hurts more than we’d like it to as it can only be found in moments of discomfort and isolation, but a gift that we should cherish none the less.


In reflection,
Delaney C.

What a wonderful life

Last year at this time I was preparing to board a bus to take me first to Tegucigalpa (the capital of Honduras) to meet up with my great friend and co-worker and then board another bus to take us across the country to the department of Santa Rosa where I spent Christmas with her family in a Honduran fashion, traveled to the Mayan ruins in Santa Rosa de Copan and traveled to Utila (one of the bay islands) to celebrate New Years by scuba diving and meeting travelers from across the world, and ending up with my Central American family in El Salvador to cap off the holidays hiking volcanoes and exploring deserted beaches.....I've had a rough life I know.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my family and friends over the holidays, to participating in some of the traditions that I 'missed out on' last year, and to *hopefully* getting some snow, but I am also missing the new traditions that I got to be a part of last year, my friends and family from across the world and realizing that, as corny and lame as it sounds, as long as you have love in your heart and are sharing that with people who are important to you, it doesn't matter what day it is or where you are, every day can be special and filled with the same joy and happiness that is bursting through my chest at any given moment over the last couple of weeks in anticipation for stockings, cranberry sauce, ice hockey, hot chocolate, rosy cheeks, crumpled wrapping papers, onesie pyjamas, wood stoves, church on Christmas eve, Christmas crackers, board games, homemade red wine, gingerbread houses, my ever growing family, and amazing friends both old and new.

It has been crazy to reflect on my 2010/2011 year and all of the places I've been, people I've met, and things I've accomplished. I have grown tremendously as a person, my concept and perspective of the world as I know it has changed at least a thousand time, I've been mentored by some phenomenal people who I admire and respect, and I cant see myself slowing down anytime soon.

I am ecstatic for 2012 to bring a new set of challenges, new opportunities, new growth and new adventures. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I am so blessed to be surrounded by such a group of supportive friends, family and co-workers that allow me to follow my heart (not my nose...fruit loops), constantly develop myself both personally and professionally, and keep challenging myself.

My prediction for 2012....it's going to be a great year.

Who would have thought, if you put roots down and give them a chance, they do in fact start to grow :)

Delaney C

Christmas Traditions

“It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, Everywhere you go…” Well, not really. Not here, not for me. Which, has made me think a lot about Christmas, the traditions, and what exactly does Christmas mean for me. This is my first Christmas away from home, and I think my saving grace is that it feels like summer, there is no snow, and it’s really easy to forget its less than a week away—but I have watched Love Actually about 30 times, so the Christmas spirit is going strong even in this tropical climate. In fact I’m making Christmas cookies with the boys tonight, and Saturday we’re having Christmas dinner (but Mom, make sure you save me some perogies) because I want to share some of my Christmas traditions with my Honduran family.

My family has a lot of Christmas traditions, from going into the woods to cut down our tree to be decorated by hand made decorations accumulated over the years, to the advent calendar we each take turns filling for the day with 6 special treats, kind words or a fun evening activity, to making rum balls with my brother, to playing ‘Taste of Christmas’ (a compilation of scremo style Christmas songs) while decorating because I used to be a scremo kid and my brothers and I still enjoy the CD, to attending Church on Christmas eve and embracing my mothers East Coast roots with mince meat pie. I even have some traditions of my own, that my family doesn’t necessarily like, such as heading to Paul's and playing shootable snakes and ladders with Christmas inspired shots while Santie Clause is busy dropping of toys to the good girls and boys, but they support because it’s important to me and I still get out of bed at the crack of dawn when my little sister is ready to open presents before the sun has had a chance to rise. To taking turns watching each other open presents slowly and deliberately, to the log channel on T.V. that my dad insists on putting on even thought we have a real fire going, to mimosas and smoked salmon/cream cheese bagels once the living room looks like a battle ground of wrapping paper and bows to watching its a Wonderful Life after Christmas brunch because its my moms one of my moms favourite movies. To preparing Christmas dinner for all of my wonderful beautiful, slightly loco extended family and close family friends, to playing in the snow with my little cousins, to lots of hugs, laughter and a warm fire.

For me Christmas is a feeling, that extends just the one day and can fill up the entire month. It’s about family—for better and for worse—and its about the warmth and happiness I get from seeing so many of the people that I care about and love at the same time, and sharing these special traditions and moments with. Its about the accumulation of (22 years) of memories and experiences, its about feeling warm even though its cold outside, its about making people smile by picking out the perfect gift (or a thoughtful action), its about going to the mall on December 23rd looking for that last minute thing to pull everything together and rather than battling the swarms of last minute shoppers, reveling in the last minute Christmas chaos while sharing the moment, and its about regardless of the annual Christmas eve ‘disagreement’, knowing that your family is family and the next morning (before the sun rises) you’ll be thrown together into something magical—and to me that is something special.

When I have a family of my own (don’t worry Dad—it wont be for a (long)while), I want to share my families traditions with them, and make some of my own—I’ll probably ditch the Christmas shooters—and share the special magical feeling that my parents were able to share with me when I was little and continue to help me feel until now, for my first Christmas away from home sans family and sans snow—but not sans Christmas spirit. I’ll miss my family (friends and loved ones) this Christmas. I’ll miss our traditions, making gingerbread men with Kaitlyn and Damien, drinking eggnog by the tree every night with my mom and a warm fire, spilling my coffee Christmas morning (every year without fail) because I didn’t move it when my dad told me to because he (still) always knows best. I’ll miss the laughter, the smiles, and even the Christmas eve ‘disagreement’, but I will be thinking of them and (I hope) they’ll be thinking of me, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s enough to keep the Christmas magic alive.

Merry Christmas—knock back a few Spiced Nogs for me ;)
Delaney C.