Right here, Right now

I've been back from Honduras for just under two and a half months now, and I'm long over due for a blog.

In typical Delaney fashion, I had a job arranged for myself before I left Honduras, because heaven forbid I 'chill' for even a minute. I got a job working as a legal assistant for the Tribal Corporation Investment Group, and then decided it would be a good idea to run for President in the University of Manitoba Students Union Election, with some amazing people who I have grown so close with in a matter of only a few weeks. Needless to say, all of you that know me, and know me well, know that I keep busy and I love what I do (that's why I do it) but I also know that sometimes I like to keep busy in order to avoid certain things I would rather not think too much about. In this case, my time in Honduras, and what it means now that I am back in Canada.

Coming back to Winnipeg has required (re)adjustment, and has proved to be a challenge in itself, perhaps only harder to deal with because I wasn't necessarily expecting it to be as difficult as it has been. Why would coming home to a familiar place, a city where I have lived nearly my entire life, a community that I am involved in, and friends and family who never let me doubt just how much love surrounds me. How could that be hard....right?

In five months I saw a lot. I experienced a lot. I learned a lot. I changed a lot. And as I was seeing, experiencing, learning, an changing so was everyone who was a part of my world in Winnipeg (and Canada), and we weren't necessarily moving in the same direction. My first week back I was talking to a good friend of mine and he mentioned the term 'Relationship Shock', and it was like a light bulb turned on for me. I had heard of culture shock before, and re-entry shock and experienced those both, but was at a loss trying to articulate the growing tension that I could feel surfacing in many of my relationships, but even knowing what to call the phenomenon I was experiencing. Knowing that I wasn't alone (as cliche as that sounds) relieved a little bit of the pressure.

I still feel the need to 'compartmentalize' the Delaney that lives abroad, that does these things that I cannot even begin to explain with any justice to those of you that know and love me but haven't been there with me. I find myself torn between not knowing what to say when people ask me how my 'trip' was, and finding the line between giving enough details to satisfy them without diving completely off the deep end boring them...or scaring them away with an out of context rant. So usually I keep my mouth shut, smile, say it was great--life changing even, and wait for follow up questions if they choose to probe deeper.

Although the 'compartmentalizing' works so to speak, I feel like I have to choose between the Delaney that lives and exists in Canada, and the Delaney that does this other 'stuff'. Essentially being forced to turn my back on whichever I am choosing not to "be" in that moment--which also feels like I am lying about myself (and to myself) and separating two very real and crucial parts of who I am and what makes me who I am, and I can't help but think (and feel) that by denying myself that other 'part' I am weakening myself, and I'm not sure that's fair.

I also haven't let myself be angry. And i am angry--although this is a very unnatural feeling for me. I'm also frustrated, and confused but I haven't been able to deal with these emotions 1) because I have made myself so busy that it is impossible to do so 2) I haven't been able to find ab outlet in which to do so and 3) I want to talk about these angry/frustrating/not beautiful perfect things but i haven't been able to do so in a constructive way (or any way for that matter) so I have decided to be mature and completely ignore the situation....but maybe that's what I needed to do.

Not everything in Honduras was great, and wonderful, and amazing. There were times when I would try to call Canada, and all I wanted to hear was a friendly voice and I would end up so frustrated I burst into tears because the connection was so awful that when all I wanted was for whatever poor soul waited on the other line was to tell me to take a deep breath, snap out of it, and that it would be okay I had to instead deal with whatever demons I was battling that day. I spent a week in my room, listening to music and reading books, only leaving to go to my office and return straight home because getting yelled at and whistled at and being frustrated with not speaking Spanish made me not want to venture into town. Arriving in a country where I knew no one and foolishly didn't speak the language might have been one of the stupidest and most ballsy ideas I may have ever had, and proved to be one of the most obvious challenges and at many times I felt like a child, knowing what I wanted to say but unable to find the words to express myself.

On the other hand, its is hard to explain, that the times I was so frustrated, and confused, were also some of the best times of my life, and I am happy that I was so foolish...in a weird incomprehensible way.

I've also had trouble explaining what I did in Honduras. On paper it doesn't look like much, and that the problem with trying to quantify my experience and 'prove' that what I did was valuable and worth while. I worked with LWF (specifically Jose Luis) in the area of natural resource protection and illegal deforestation providing information and education while trying to engage youth and women in the process of environmental protection, but really what I did was much much more that the charlas and tallers I delivered, but to someone looking from the outside, judging my experience, it would be easy for them to say "Well. that's it. That's all you accomplished in 5 months?", and its even harder for me to defend myself.

I'm really not sure if this blog is coherent at all but it's gotten the dialogue ball rolling so to speak, and for right now that's all I can ask for.

While I sleep, the world is changing,
Delaney C.